March | 2012 | lifeimperfectly

I woke myself up at 2:38 this morning sobbing. That deep gut-wrenching sobbing that is out of your control and you know it.

The anxiety had reared its ugly head again in the form of a nasty dream in which I probably not going to see my children grow up because of what I’m facing in the dream. They wouldn’t remember me. Or know who I was. Or care. (And I have to stop talking about it because I’m crying now. It’s that clear and vivid in my head still.)

You know that one, right? Every mom has those fears and worries buried somewhere deep.

So I got up and tracked down Hunter, who’d fallen asleep on the couch, and made him come to bed. And I cried and cried and cried and reached out repeatedly to touch him, just to assure myself that it was just a dream. While I laid there, all I could think of was what I’d do differently. If this were near the end of my life, what would I change? How would I treat my husband and kids differently? Would I use that harsh tone or yell about the clothes on the floor or tell them for the millionth time that, “I was not their maid.” Where would I want to take them? What would I want them to remember?

And then it smacked me between the eyes again..this could be it. The end “could” be near for me because it can happen in the next five minutes (you never know) and all they’ll have are memories of me. What would their memories be?

Lee and I walking yesterday and holding hands while we exercised together? Me being at their ball games and school activities telling them what a great job they’re doing and how I’m so proud of them? Me staying home with them when they’re sick? Making silly faces in the mirror? Me taking every flower they bring me and smelling it and smiling?
Or will they remember the yelling? The harsh words? The spankings (because yes, I have)? The throwing of clothes into baskets while ranting about a mess? The toys I threaten to throw away?

Honestly, I think it has to be a mix of the two really because if not, then I’m not parenting. It’s my job to teach them to be adults one day. Its my job to teach them, to provide them with experiences, to guide them, to love them beyond the shadow of a doubt and to demonstrate through my actions, what a loving, caring, Christian parent is. What a happy, healthy, satisfied life can be like.

But since 2:38 this morning, I’ve realized something. I have been living for “when things get better” or “when we have more money” or “when I don’t have to work as much” or “when they know how to behave.” Why? Those things might never happen. So what am I waiting for? What’s holding me back from those small moments? Those sweet slices of life, those “hinge moments as Jon Acuff puts it in Quitter (which I’m reading slowly), that change our lives forever.

Why am I waiting on later to make me happy? Because it won’t. I’ll find something else to get in the way, to slow me down, to redirect my attention elsewhere, to make me unhappy and dissatisfied with my life.

I don’t have an answer. But this dream…it has weighed on me. I know where it came from and why. I know my oldest shares these kinds of dreams with me, bless his precious tender heart. And even before the dream, I’d been repeating a phrase to myself a lot.

Be intentional.

Be intentional with my words, my actions, my thoughts, my life. Focus on what means the absolute most to me. My family. I love them with all I have and I could not live without them. I couldn’t make it without Hunter. He grounds me. He’s my rock. He infuriates me at times but our love is deep and strong. I love those boys…dirt, stained socks, ripped jeans, weird projects, strange thought patterns, sweet gifts, loving hearts, beautiful, beautiful boys. They ground me and make me crazy.

I’ve been more intentional with time. I’ve said no more than I used to. But I haven’t been intentional with my family. I’m still letting other things distract me. I’m still waiting on “better” and “more” to happen. And I have to stop. I have to be happy, content, and IN the moment we are living in right now because its the moment I’ve been given.

Some dream, right? Dreams always make me take stock because they usually come from somewhere. Sometimes its just a crazy something you had wander through your day. Sometimes though, its a “take stock” moment that happens at 2:38 in the morning when you’ve looked one of your biggest fears in the face through the veil of a dream.

It makes you think.

Are you living “in the now” or have you been putting off things like I have? What does being intentional mean to you?

Blissdom.

Wow.

It was everything I expected and more.

Warm and friendly.

A learning experience.

SO much fun.

Blissdom was what I hope isn’t to be a once and a lifetime experience. I consider myself blessed to have gone. God definitely had his hand on my going.

I had the best roommate. (Seriously, go check Nancy out! She’s an amazing photographer).

I met Alli.

and Dedra

and Erica

and so many other ladies (Bridget, Casey, Lisa and her sweet, sweet daughter Anneke, Hannah, Linda and her daughter Maggie (who didn’t tell me her blog!) to name a few) that I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome they are.

The Opryland Hotel was gorgeous. I must have walked 150 miles in 5 days because I know we got lost at least 2 dozen times. It’s huge. And confusing.

Mostly, I wanted to tell you a little bit about what I brought home with me from Blissdom. And not just all the freebies. We had amazing speakers, performances and workshops.

The Opening

Jon Acuff was the Opening Keynote speaker and let me tell you, listening to him speak was like having the words taken out of your head and put out there for everyone to hear. He really gets those of that have these online lives that we love but also that distracts us. He made several points during his time on stage but what stuck with me was “Hang Up from Arrive.” Meaning, when you get home, get home. Don’t bring your work home and if you work from home, turn it off when its time and just let it be. There’s a time to be selfish and it’s not during the precious hours you get with your kids. Be selfish after bedtime or at 5 a.m. Hanging up and arriving means that you won’t miss the “hinge moments” that will change your life.

As a blogger, Jon’s most resounding comment was to “Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.” Stop and think about that. It’s more than just for bloggers who want to grow their blog and stare covetously at other blogs all day long, trying to figure out how to do it. Our preacher put it to us another way when we were in pre-marital counseling: “We want right now what it took our parents 30 years to get.” hmm, right?

Another awesome statement: Having something 90% and out there is better than 100% perfect and in your head.” Just get it out there. I can’t tell you how many drafts I have sitting, waiting to be published. It’s time for me to start hitting the publish button.

Like I said. Wow. Jon also gave everyone a copy of his book, Quitter. I’ll share my thoughts when I get through it.

Blissdom Workshops

I found myself choosing the Life Development more than the other tracks (Writing, Business or Photography). I guess you could say I’m trying to better focus myself while still doing this thing that I love to do. Instead of learning more about blogging, I found myself in workshops on Being Present, Not Monetizing Joy and Living With a Purpose. I walked away with specific things to work on. I also sat in on a writing track and have a list of tips on improving my writing. I didn’t take any pictures during the sessions. I wanted to be tuned in so I didn’t even bring my computer.

Blissdom Performances

Friday night was an awesome night with two performances.

First there was Joe Jonas. I am obviously too old to have been a Jonas Brothers groupie, but Joe did a really great job. I snapped some awesome pictures using Nancy’s camera (look at that arm!)

Rascal Flatts also performed a few songs and they did SUCH a good job! When else am I going to stand where I can lay my head on the stage and listen to such a well-known group? It as amazing. We also heard Nathan Pacheco (Thursday night) and Chris Mann (from the Voice, Saturday lunch) sing–two more amazing voices.

Saturday night we watched a full sneak peek of Oprah’s new show, Oprah’s Next Chapter. It was a great show and really funny! After that, the fun got going with the Famous Footwear shoe spree (Nancy was a lucky girl and won FIVE pairs of shoes) and then karaoke began. Don’t worry,I didn’t sing. hehehe.

Swag

(My niece laughed at me for using the word swag…how old does she think I am???)
Y’all. If you ever want to be overwhelmed by the free stuff you are given by sponsors, you need to come to Blissdom. I came home with FOUR bags of free stuff!

Some of the fun stuff I brought home:

A canvas Blissdom bag
New shoes from Famous Footwear and a t-shirt
Lorax t-shirt, book, bag and mustache (can’t wait to take the kids to see it!)
2 free Hallmark cards and a t-shirt
Numerous bottles of shampoo, conditioner and hairspray from V05
Go-Go squeeze samples
Juice samples
SimpleHuman soap dispenser
DeWafelbakker and YoCrunch coupons for free food
Aprons and coupons from Birds Eye
Amy Giggles book from ConAgra
Vitamins from Centrum
A coffee mug from Microsoft
Full size samples from Glade
More reusable grocery bags that I care to admit

It’s taken me a week to “recover” from Blissdom and to put into words all the fun I had. I worried about not knowing anyone “in real life” and being lonely but I met awesome people and had the best time. If you’re considering attending a blogging conference, I highly recommend Blissdom.

I have so much more I want to tell you about my experience at Blissdom but this post could get really long! What I can tell you is that Blissdom isn’t just about blogging. It’s about meeting people who have become your friends, and laying in bed talking for two hours after you swear you’re exhausted. It’s about a team clicking together when it needs to in order to launch something exciting. It’s about putting voices with the words that speak to you on a daily basis. It’s about laughing. And crying. And sharing things that you might not share with the everyday folks in your life. It’s about those “internet friends” becoming your “in real life” friends. Blissdom was all that. And much, much more.

(I don’t have many pictures uploaded but you can see my Flickr stream here, Nancy’s here and the Blissdom stream here).