I had to do it. The most dreaded thing in the world for a woman. That’s right. I went bathing suit shopping. I’m going to a camp for work and I leave next Sunday. And I haven’t bought a suit since probably 2004. Ugh. I hate shopping for bathing suits because it leaves you nothing but depressed and low and determined to begin a exercise regime likely to that of the USMC. Even if you don’t.

So, I was there, staring at all the bathing suit pieces and drowning in misery and wondering why they cost so stinking much for scraps of fabric. I had avoided that section all together by looking at capris, shorts and jeans for a while. (Can I say I found a sweet deal on a pair of Dockers? And I bought ‘em.) Anyway, I’m there, shopping, which I hate to do anyway. And I start looking around a little bit, still trying to deny the fact that I’m even IN the bathing suit section. I start noticing other people which is rare for me. I’m a get-in-get-my-stuff-and-get-out kind of girl, and I could miss my own mama while I was at it. But, I see these people and their spouses and their kids and not a soul in the store looks happy. People are arguing, kids are crying, and others are trying to ignore all the chaos around them.

And I kind of smile to myself. I’m taking my time. I’m alone. DH has the kids and I am in a store completely alone. No buggies, no sippy cups, no cart cover or blankets, no toys, no SIT DOWN!s, no whining, no “Don’t grab things!”. And I realize……..I’m alone. And I miss them. So I call to see what they’re doing and if they want pizza for supper. Hang up and get busy finding a suit that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg once I find out that JP has been stung by a wasp and is crying for me.

But I’m still thinking about those people. The ones that are filling up their buggies and arguing and crying and just looking like the world is against them. I smile at a lady going by and she kind of glares back at me and keeps going. I try to find someone to help me find something and spend 10 minutes in pursuit of someone who I don’t think exists. And I start getting into that unhappy place. I finally get a suit, khakis AND a pair of capris (a big shopping trip for me!) and leave. Well, after I get up there and realize the capris have no tag so I volunteer to go get another pair and walk past a line of folks who glare at me for picking up the one pair of pants that DON’T have a tag. The cashier liked me though.

All the way home, I thought about that question that I posted. What makes you happy? What makes you smile? What touches your heart and just fills a little spot? For me, it’s usually my boys. That night, when I got home, JP was tickling JL’s belly and he was giggling so hard and trying to get away and they were both just rolling with laughter. It’s my new clothesline that I’ve been begging for for a year. It’s my magnolia blooming. It’s the pitter-patter of little feet above my head. It’s the quiet while I do this. It’s the fantastic conversation that DH and I had last Sunday night that just opened doors in our relationship, a nearly 10 year relationship if you count dating and marriage. And after all this, I knew one thing.

I’m happy with my life. There are things I want to change, yes, but I have a good life. I don’t have to fill it with consumerism like some. I don’t need a ton of things to make me happy. I’m determined to just live a simple life as we’ve been instructed and to someday, just work with my hands on our own place. Patience is not a virtue I have a lot of and I get so frustrated and fed up sometimes with work and the bills and life.

But, ultimately, I am a better, nicer, more caring person when I am happy. So, I pledge to the no one out there that I am going to keep my perspective in check and to just be happy with the blessings in my life.

Morning. )

Well, we really meant to get our first real garden in today. Yesterday he came home from lunch and 30 minutes later 7 more trees were gone from the yard b/c they were shading the garden area. We used to live in the woods but he’s slowly clearing it…what exactly was the point of 5 acres of woods if he was just going to cut them down I ask you? Anyway, that’s another day.

DH had to go help a buddy at his MILs this morning setting out plants and didn’t get home til noon. Needless to say, I was ticked. I couldn’t do a darn thing with the garden b/c the above mentioned trees were still there. So, I’d been yanking weeds for an hour while JP played and JL slept. He finally got home and moved the trees and I tilled. It was all going well. I’d gotten DH’s headphone ear muff things and was jamming along. I stopped and cut it off to ask him to get the loppers and cut off a few limbs from the beech tree. He said later, which ticked me off, and so I went back to the tiller muttering under my breath about what he could do with later. Then it happened. Instead of being covered in mosquito bites, ant bites, chiggers, scratching myself on okra or some other normal thing happening, I do this.

I reached to turn the nob before cranking the stupid machine and without thinking…..I…….laid my hand right on top of the muffler (apparent–DH says that’s what it is). Flesh fried and I jerked back. It didn’t hurt really for a few seconds but within a minute I was crying. And I sobbed for nearly an hour before I begged my friend’s NP mother to call me in something. JP told me he burned himself too and kept looking at me crying and saying “what’s wrong, mama? You hurt yourself? It’s OK mama.” (My boy CAN still be sweet when he chooses). JL thought I’d lost my mind and just smiled.

Hurt isn’t the word. And now the garden sits there…empty. I’m so mad at me with my hand all dressed in silver/sulphur something or other and huge white band aid thing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And tomorrow is baby dedication and I get to stand up in front of 200-400 folks with this thing on my hand. Flowers are waiting for me. Doesn’t God know this? Guess he didn’t care for my plans for the day, did he? lol

At least DH had the sense to go out there a few minutes ago and finish tilling the stupid garden with the stupid tiller for me. And I guess it’s a bonus that the parents are coming to keep the boys so we can “go out” to eat. Alone. What a concept.

Alright, me and my burned hand (by the way, you can see the outline of the muffler thing on my lefty) are going to surf the net. Next week at work is going to be a nightmare, I can tell.

C-re

Well we’ve officially started this week with the PTing. We’ve decided to do it in 2 phases: daytime and nap/nighttime. And we’re doing undies. Pull-Ups don’t seem to work well for us. To him, they’re just diapers that pull up. It’s been going well with a few accidents. Until just now.

I’m vacuuming the granola I spilled all down into the stove. I was ticked at myself about it. I knew he was yelling at me but I couldn’t hear him. Plus the added bonus of mind numbing noise was kinda nice in place of the crying 10 month old JL and having to tell JP to STOP constantly. Anyway, I cut it off and he has his undies off. And he tells me he has peed on my chair. I go over and sure enough, two rather large spots soaking wet. Sigh….just when I think I’m getting a handle on things, they laugh in my face.

At least the cushion cover is removable, right? And I rinsed it and it’s drying. Right? That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Sigh…..

ETA: FRIG. 20 seconds after I hit publish, he did it again. Only this time, in the base of the freaking chair that CANNOT be taken off and rinsed. Damn.

Random post of the week.

Spring is here finally though Mother Nature is trying her hardest to not let it be! But, I was walking around this morning before starting work and my hostas are out. My day lilies that the hubs put in are looking great. I have these really cool striped azaleas showing out and what’s made me the happiest….my purple hearts are coming back! I never thought about them returning even though they say perennial…the hubs always says they’re not but they’ve proven him wrong this time. I’ll have to get pictures of these azaleas though. They’re wonderful.

Of course, in all this, the weeds are coming out. Again. I just weeded. I’m trying so hard to keep from spraying and hubs is all about spraying. I want to limit the number of chemicals where the boys play. We already had to spray for wasps and there will be fireant killer going out very, very soon.

I guess I’ll be fighting this battle all summer. We’re doing our first real garden too and I want to limit chemicals as much as possible. I’ll never be all organic but I think it’s worth a shot to limit things as much as possible, don’t you think? Am I crazy? I don’t mean to get on the “green kick” but since I had Middle J, I care more and more about these things. It’s funny. I take more care of myself as a mom (even though you can’t tell it) and more concern with things like the environment than ever before. It’s almost…refreshing and eye opening. To think that I want to go back to real gardening to limit processed food and to reduce the amount of plastics, etc that we bring home. I’m loving my cloth grocery bags and I’ve been part-time diapering for nearly 2 years now.

I guess I’m proud of myself. And my efforts. Anything for these two boys. lol….

Oh, and Little J took his first step on Monday…to me! I cried. Now he won’t do it again so the hubs said he didn’t do it! But I know he did. Just like when he said mama. No one but me heard it the first time. It’s like they know I need to be the one to see the firsts b/c I have this horrible mommy guilt for working. Someday that will change…the working part, not the mommy guilt. That never leaves. But, Little J has allowed me to see him sit up first, crawl first, say mama first and now take his first step. Just like his brother.

I love these kids.